The Last Stand

[Knocks on door.]
Noel: Hold on. I’m just finishing a really…bad sentence. [Sighs]
[Noel opens the door.]
Noel: Hey.
Felicity: I did the floor calendar.
Noel: Great. This is, uh, it’s perfect.
Felicity: You didn’t call the admissions office today, did you?
Noel: For what?
Felicity: To ask for my essay.
Noel: I—I don’t understand.
Felicity: Uh, nothing.
Noel: Why—why would I call the admissions office?
Felicity: No, you wouldn’t. Just [laughs] forget about it.
[Felicity starts to walk away.]
Noel: No, wait, hold on. You—you gotta tell me. You’re obligated to explain.
Felicity: Can I—
Noel: Come in?
Felicity: Yeah.
[Shuts door]
Felicity: Um…I find it really easy to talk to you.
Noel: Yeah, I—I feel the same way.
Felicity: But the other day, when I asked you, you know, that question and you said, “yes,” it just—it makes things harder…to talk to you.
Noel: Yeah, look, I have to clear something up. When I said that I had feelings for you—
Felicity: Yeah, that was the question.
Noel: I know. I get feelings for people all the time. I’m a sensitive guy.
Felicity: Okay.
Noel: Yeah, I get crushes on everyone.
Felicity: You do?
Noel: Yeah.
Felicity: Oh, okay.
Noel: You know, don’t, uh, don’t blow this out of proportion because it was—it was mostly just this weird—you know, I’m the R.A., which I’ve never been before, and you’re the new freshman. And it was more like an almost power trip kind of thing. I mean, of course I have feelings for you. I like you. But it’s all just natural and unromantic as hell. Am I blushing?
Felicity: Sort of.
[Felicity sits down on Noel’s bed.]
Felicity: Well, so—so here’s the thing. Well, you know how I read Ben’s college application essay.
Noel: Okay. This is about Ben. All right.
Felicity: Oh, this is too weird, way to weird.
[Felicity gets up to leave.]
Noel: No. No, wait a minute. It’s okay.
[Felicity sits back down.]
Felicity: [sighs] I—I just think [sighs] that maybe Ben is uncomfortable, you know, that I read his application essay behind his back, and he didn’t get to read mine. I think he might have called the admissions office to try to get it.
Noel: Your essay, which you don’t want him to see.
Felicity: No way. I mean mostly because it’s about him.
Noel: Yeah, your—your college application essay’s about Ben?
Felicity: So I can’t, you know, show him my essay, right? I mean that would be humiliating.
Noel: Yeah, I think your instincts are right. I don’t think you can let Ben see that essay.
Felicity: Okay. I think I’m going to.
Noel: Wait. You were just asking my advice.
Felicity: No, I was using you as a bouncing board.
Noel: Bouncing board?
Felicity: This was helpful, though. I’m not going to hand it to him. That might embarrass him. I’m going to mail it.
[Felicity stands up.]
Noel: No wait. I think you’re making a mistake here. And remember this is coming from someone who doesn’t even slightly have a crush on you.
Felicity: I’m still sending Ben my essay.
Noel: All right. Look, so, don’t come back unless you’re gonna listen to me.
Felicity: Thank you, Noel.
[Shuts the door]
Noel: I mean it.

[Knock at the door]
Noel: Hold on. [sighs]
[opens door]
Noel: Larry, what’s up?
Larry: I’m sort of having some problems with, uh, Lewis.
Noel: Okay, what is it?
Larry: He keeps talking in his sleep and pretty loud.
Noel: Yeah. That—that is annoying.
Larry: That’s not even it. [clears throat and looks around] See, uh, it’s the subject matter.
Noel: Oh, uh, well, what’s he talking about?
Larry: Buying knives, and, uh, killing his roommate, which is a problem.
Noel: Okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll talk to Lewis.
Larry: Would you talk to him.
Noel: I’ll handle it. Yeah, I’ve got it covered.
Larry: Thanks.
Noel: Yeah.

[Noel is in the hall.]
Noel: So you have no intention of buying any knives?
Lewis: No.
Noel: Or killing your roommate?
Lewis: No.
Noel: I gotta be honest with you here, Lewis. I wish you were a little more convincing.
[Noel spies Felicity.]
Noel: Um, I want to finish this conversation later.

[Noel knocks on Felicity’s door.]
Felicity: Come in.
Noel: Hey.
Felicity: Hey. So guess what? It wasn’t Ben who was asking about my essay. It was my dad.
[Noel closes the door.]
Noel: But you didn’t send it to Ben yet, did you?
[Felicity sits down and looks up at Noel. Her face gives him the answer.]
Noel: Oh, that’s great.
Felicity: And now, years from now, Ben will look back on college and remember Felicity Porter as that obsessive girl with frizzy hair who not only followed him across country, but then just began randomly sending him information about herself as if he ever asked for any.
Noel: Well, if you can live with that, then you’re okay.
Felicity: And on top of everything, my parents are meeting with me and my counselor. It’s going to be this horrible mediation attempt.
Noel: Well, that’s why I’m here. I actually have a theory about this. I think you should invite your parents to come see the dorm, introduce them to your R.A., who will make them feel really secure. You know, let them get to know the place otherwise where you live is always gonna be a mystery, and they’ll never be okay with any of this.
Felicity: Do you really think that’s the best thing to do?
Noel: Yeah, I do. I mean, I—I’m just your R.A., but…
Felicity: I really appreciate you not saying, “I told you so” about Ben the essay.
Noel: You’re welcome. Although, that—that is all I’m thinking.
Felicity: I know.
Noel: Okay.
[Felicity is on the phone with her parents.]
Dad: We’d love that. Tell us when.
Felicity: 2:00? 5th Avenue and 10th Street? Okay. Um, well, I’ll see you guys tomorrow then. Bye.
[Hangs up phone]
Felicity: Well, they’re coming.
Noel: I can’t wait.
Felicity: What?
Noel: To meet the people that made you.
[Laughs]
[Meghan walks in]
Felicity: Oh Meghan. Excuse me Meghan. Feel free to say no to this, obviously, but, uh, my parents are coming by tomorrow, and they’re a little prepossessed to hate this place. So, anyway, I was curious if you wouldn’t mind—and don’t take this personally—um, just for tomorrow, maybe putting away a few of your skulls?
Meghan: No.
Felicity: No? Really?
[Meghan leaves]
Noel: She’s got a point.

[Felicity is in her room with her parents when there is a knock at the door.]
Felicity: Come in.
[Noel rushes in]
Noel: When do the overbearing parents get here?
[Felicity’s parents look bothered, and Noel is embarrassed.]
Noel: You—you can’t possibly know how—how I feel having said that.
Felicity: This is Noel. He’s the, um…resident advisor on the floor. And these are my uh—
Dad: You work here?
Felicity: My parents.
Noel: I’m a sophomore student as well as Felicity’s, uh…I’m so horrifyingly apologetic for that—that transgression.
Mom: It’s okay.
Noel: No, no. It’s really not. You should know those were my words and not Felicity’s. That was—you know, that was my interpretation of…
Felicity: Noel, drop it.
Noel: This is a pretty bad impression, I admit.
[A voice is heard from the hallway.]
Larry: Noel. Noel.
Noel: Um, what? I’m in here.
[Larry walks in holding a large knife.]
Larry: You told me that Lewis doesn’t want to kill me.
Noel: That’s—that’s what he told me, Larry.
[Felicity’s parents exchanges glances.]
Larry: Well, he’s taken the first step.
Noel: [sighs] Well, I’ll—I’m gonna—I’ll talk to him.
Larry: Yeah, I think you’d better.
Noel: Okay.
[Indistinct yelling in the distance]
[Noel laughs nervously.]
[A bell rings.]
Mom: What’s that?
Felicity: I don’t know.
Noel: It’s just a fire alarm. They happen all the time. You’ll see. It almost never means that there’s an actual blaze.
[The ringing continues]
Noel: Although, we should evacuate, uh, in—in an orderly fashion.
[Rock music is blaring in the hallway.]
Noel: Look, I’m really sorry about my earlier comment.
Dad: Let it go. [The music continues]

[Felicity is in the bathroom standing at the sink when Noel peeks through the window.]
Noel: Felicity?
Felicity: Yeah.
Noel: Is there anyone else in there? I mean besides you.
Woman: Yeah!
[Toilet flushes]
Noel: I just wanted to apologize again for what I did.
Felicity: You were just being honest.
Noel: Maybe but I swear to God, it was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.
[Felicity smiles]
Noel: So, did they say anything about me?
[Woman opens the door.]
Woman: It’s all yours.
Noel: Thanks.
[Noel walks in]
Noel: So they hated me, right? Your parents.
Felicity: They didn’t hate you.
Noel: But they didn’t say that.
Felicity: I think in their minds, you were just one more piece of the straw in this whole miserable haystack. [sighs] Do I look okay?
Noel: Uh-huh.

[In the hallway]
Noel: Dr. Porter.
[Dr. Porter turns around.]
Noel: Um, Noel.
Dr. Porter: I remember.
Noel: I just, uh…wanted to say once again that I’m—I’m really regretful.
Dr. Porter: You’re the resident advisor.
Noel: Yes, sir.
Dr. Porter: Is she okay here?
Noel: I think, um..I think that she’s, uh, you know, like..like a chick..
Dr. Porter: A chick?
Noel: Yeah—oh—a baby chicken. I was gonna use a metaphor.
Dr. Porter: Don’t use metaphors. Just tell me—is she all right?
Noel: Yeah. Yes. I think she is. I know this probably doesn’t mean anything, but I’m looking out for her. And if it—it ever gets difficult, I’ll do whatever I can, uh, to make it better.
Dr. Porter: That knife thing work out okay?
Noel: Oh yeah, that’s under control. It’ll be fine.
[Footsteps]
Dr. Porter: Good [smiles] Thanks.
Noel: Sure.
Felicity: Hi.
Dr. Porter: Hi.
Felicity: Where’s mom?
Dr. Porter: Uh, she wasn’t feeling well.
Felicity: Oh.
Dr. Porter: You ready?
Felicity: Yeah.
[Noel watches the two walk away.]